she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
