You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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