Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
