Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
