My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have aggressive nipples.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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