I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I want her autograph on my taint
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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