I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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