I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
