So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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