I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
