Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
