living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
