$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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