You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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