I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I can text with my tongue
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
