sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
