So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
