her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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