dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
