I'm lost and stupid without you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
3 2 1 whiskey
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
