I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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