I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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