what day is it and did you see me today?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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