Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
