You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
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