you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
