I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
