Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
