bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
