I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
