ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
