i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
