Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
