when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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