So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
