the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
