Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
