I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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