me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
