I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
