got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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