I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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