Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
