What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am available for nakedness
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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