Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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