Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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