Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
