i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
