Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
