Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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