do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
