My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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