I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
