I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.