Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase