I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please