I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
