I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
