She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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