Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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