my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
