Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
